Somethings Gotta Give

My friend was going on an Internet "first date" last night. She was already telling me that he might not be "the one" before she even met him. I told her that nothing is ever perfect. She needs to stick to her must haves, but pick her priorities carefully. Maybe he won't be as tall as she wants, there are a lot of great short guys. Or, maybe he wont be as rich, but he may be comfortable and be a wonderful mate. Or he might not have as much "edge" as she wants, but he may value her as an equal partner and not try to control her. He may not have all the "toys" but he's willing to commit. What's the upside?
My point is somethings gotta give. Give a guy a chance! If you don't get to know someone, how are you going to find out their good qualities? If we were like that when we were young we would've never married in the first place. Nobody would've measured up. We're smarter now, and we won't settle, but there is a fine line there. You don't have to settle, but compromise is a must.

The Passive-Agressive Man

He seems like such a nice guy. He always let's you pick the restaurant, the movie, he says things like, "whatever you want Babe". His mantra is, "I just go with the flow", or "I'm just kicking back". It's all good, right? Wrong, it is anything but "all good". He waits until there is a conflict,and out of nowhere he'll bring up something that has been festering inside of him, it might be the shitty movie, that you picked, and he had to sit through, or "the worst meal he's ever eaten", as if it's all your fault. Hey...he's the one that let you pick...right? Precisely my point. These kind of men don't take responsibility for making choices they let you do it...they're too busy "going with the flow". Besides, they would much rather stab you in the back if it doesn't go well, but let's face it, it's not about the movie or the dinner, it's about his pent up anger,and his not being able to communicate that effectively. And...they don't tell you then...they usually do it when their friends are around, heck...they even do it when your friends and family are around. Here is an example: I had this long term boyfriend, and we used to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" every night (reruns of course), it was my favorite show at the time. TWO YEARS LATER...He brings up,"I hate that show, I've never liked that show!" What? Now...I ask you...Why the hell would anybody watch a T.V. show EVERYDAY that they didn't like? Am I supposed to feel bad? I didn't tie him up and make him watch it! Who's the IDIOT who sat there and watched it, and didn't say anything? That was just one of many incidents that led to our demise. I couldn't live with someone who was always holding things in, and saving them to get me later. Awe..he was such a nice guy...NOT...he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, just waiting to get me back for something I had done or said, that I had no clue, ever happened in the first place. Give me a break here...at least tell me what's on your mind...don't stab me in the back...days, or in his case years later. That's f@%#&d up!

Okay...I have another one for you. I'm seeing this guy for about three months...and every time we get into a "discussion" and I don't say what he wants to hear, he says "I'm leaving!" Sometimes he would have tears in his eyes. OH COME ON...PLEASE!...what are we...three years old? I could just envision him taking his blankie and his binkie and going home to mommy! That'll fix me. This is another type of passive aggressive behavior. I can't tell you how pissed off this made me! I almost wished he had shut up, held it in, and took it out on me later. Okay...maybe it pissed me off because I might have abandonment issues, but that's besides the point.

I'm warning you girls...the passive aggressive man is the hardest of all the communication types to deal with. He doesn't lay his cards on the table...they are always up his sleeve...just waiting...

The Cut and Paste Rejection Letter

I believe that when you go out on a date and it doesn't work out, you should communicate that fact to the other person. No one deserves to be left hanging. I haven't always been good at breaking the bad news, but I've gotten much better since it's happened to me.

My best friend, when she first started dating after her divorce, would just blow her dates off because she didn't know what to say. They would call and e-mail her, and she would just ignore them. She asked me to help her out. So, I've devised a cut and paste letter to help get the point across. Feel free to use it, you may have to change some of the words to customize it to your particular situation.


Dear _____,
Thank you for ______(coffee,dinner,drinks,etc.) It was a pleasure meeting you. I enjoyed your company. However, I don't feel enough of a romantic connection to pursue a second date. Good luck, and best wishes in your search.
Respectfully,
_________

The Needy Man

This is the man that would do anything for you. He will go grocery shopping for you, buy you flowers for no reason, and even clean your house. He will also call you ten times a day, text you non-stop, and be waiting on your doorstep when you get home from work. At first, it's charming...you'll tell your friends...look at the romantic text he sent me...isn't he sweet? Oh...he's sweet all right, until you get busy and can't text him right back.

This is what happened to me. True story...I was dating this fireman...did I mention...he was HOT!? I could just imagine him pulling puppies out of a burning building...with no shirt on...sweat dripping off of his bulging muscles...soot on his face...sorry...I got a little carried away with my fantasy? Anyway, I met him on Match.com and he wanted to meet me right away, he offered to come by my work and just say "hi". Harmless enough, after all, he was attracted to my pictures and my witty phone conversation, how could I blame him? I was flattered. He showed up about 5 minutes later, wow...he must have been close...huh? Did he Google me? Who cares, he was HOT! We made a date for the next day, and the next, and...well...we started seeing each other..he worked 4 days on and 4 days off... I always thought that dating a fireman would be perfect because you could have the best of both worlds. You could hang out with him when he was off, and then you could have time to yourself...what could be better? The first week went pretty well. While he was at work he would call me and text me, after all it was new, and I was enjoying all of the attention. He even asked me down to the firehouse for dinner and a movie. That was fun, I got to meet all of the guys, and even help one with his Match profile. The next week I got extremely busy with work. Do you see what's coming here? I didn't have time to answer any of his texts, I had clients back to back. Mind you...he was at home with absolutely nothing to do, before me, he worked out incessantly, and was an obsessive tanner. When he met me I became his world. This one particular day,he started with the usual sweet texts..."thinking of you"..."miss you"...blah, blah, THEN..."too busy, huh?"..."why aren't you answering me?" Then came the needy, accusing, pathetic texts...like..."I knew you were like all of the rest"..."You're just a user"...and for the big finale.."Just throw my things away! ". First of all, I had no idea he had worked himself up into a hysterical mess until I was done with work and ready to go home. Like I said...I was busy...working! Imagine that, I was at work...WORKING! When I checked my phone I was shocked? What the hell? So...what did I do you ask? I did what any normal girl would do, I wasted no time. I went home, threw his shit in the trash compactor and hit the button. He had left an old Casio watch, a plastic soap container with soap, and a sweatshirt with his fire department logo on it. (I didn't actually throw the sweatshirt away,I'm not stupid, it was a nice thick comfy one) After that, I sent him a text telling him to lose my number, and never text me again! The next day...no surprise... he started sending me texts again, "I didn't mean it", "I was just upset", "give me another chance", "I promise I'll be better". ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have a life. Not to mention...DUDE...that was only two weeks, we barely knew each other! I know what your thinking, that I slept with him...nope...thank God for that! That is one good reason for waiting until you get to know someone. What would he have done if it had been three months, and we had...yuck...I don't even want to think about it.

These men are much too needy. They wrap their world up in you, and don't like it when they realize that you have a life of your own. Do not get confused, the wrapping might look good...be alert and look for the red flags...after all...nobodies that good looking.

Hilarious Jewish Singles Spoof on MAC Commercial: Date Smart

My Date with "H"

Not to be confused with J-Date, an internet site for Jewish singles, although I probably could have found him on that site had I looked. I called him "H" because when I was entering his number into my phone I accidentally hit a button and that's what he was saved as in my address book. The name seemed to fit him. I believe his name was Harvey, Harry, Hubert...something like that...but not important. We'll just call him H. He was an anesthesiologist*...in other words "God". But, I have to say, he was funny. I enjoyed our conversations. He called me several times a day, saying that he liked talking to me, and he loved my voice (that's the way I remember it anyway). We would laugh, and talk about everything and anything. He had to go out of town for a week to visit relatives and in that time we probably talked three times a day, e-mailed, and texted back and forth. I looked forward to our phone calls.

When he came back from his trip we decided to finally meet. We met at an Indian restaurant that had outdoor seating, it was the middle of summer and about 80 degrees. It was a long day for me, I had met with one of my eccentric clients, who insists on taking my employees and I to lunch and buying us bottle after bottle of incredible wine (which I can't say no to). Yes, I did indulge, which might have to do with my complete lack of energy during the date (probably wasn't the smartest thing to do). I was already seated and waiting when he showed up, he was about 15 minutes late, but who was counting? He was muttering some excuse about not being able to find a parking space. I commiserated with him, but somehow I managed to show up on time. He was about 5'8", (not 5'10' like he wrote in his profile), black wavy hair, long on the top and short on the sides. His face was pleasant, not a hottie, but not bad looking. He was wearing black dress shorts, black loafers (which were both in contrast to his milky white legs), and a baby blue, short sleeved schmedium sweater (with a stain on it). Yes, I said schmedium, somewhere between medium and way too damn schmall. It looked more like a schmegnancy top with his swollen belly sticking out (could it be a baby bump?). I'm not trying to be mean, it's just an observation. After all, he doesn't have to be a "ten", or a clothes horse. But, where was that funny guy that I was having an affair with on the phone? No, seriously...where was he hiding him? Maybe under the sweater? Whoa! Back up...did I mention that he was 47 (yah...sure) never been married, and no children? Does self-absorbed commitment phobe, desperado, come to mind? Not at all fitting my criteria, but I made an exception because he had a good sense of humor, and sent me numerous e-mails asking me to do so. Anyway, I asked him about his parents, isn't it funny that we had never covered that subject before. Oops...wrong question...he started telling me how his mother left his father when he was very young, and how she was this right-brain, liberal, free spirited bohemian artist who lived in a commune in Canada. I'm getting this impression that he doesn't like his mother, maybe all women for that matter. He said she would visit him every couple of years but they were never close. He was obviously suffering from abandonment issues. His dad raised him and his two sisters all alone and didn't remarry. He gave me the impression that his father was controlling, I assumed that's why the mother left. Good for her! You go girl! So...why was he telling me all this on a first date? I was starting to empathize with his mother at this point, giving her credit for going through with the pregnancy. Our dinner conversation was pretty dry, he wasn't anywhere near the witty guy I had spoken to, and had become good friends with over the phone. I now have a hangover from lunch, and a splitting headache. He asks me if I want a drink? Uh...no thanks...(I've had enough) I'll stick with water...I have to drive. The waitress clears our plates and we continue to talk for about 15 minutes while we're waiting for the bill. He asked me where I parked, and I pointed south, he said he was parked in the other direction. So we said goodbye and each walked to our cars. Not the gentleman that I expected him to be. I went home and e-mailed him a short note saying that it was nice to meet him, thanked him for dinner, and said that I'd hoped to talk to him soon. After all, even though there was no chemistry I thought that we could still be friends. The next day, I checked for his reply, and nothing, the next day, nada. Hmmm...I emailed him again, with two words "no reply?". Still no response. Weird, I didn't think that I had said anything wrong. I smiled and went through all the motions. I have to say, I was a little pissed. A couple of weeks later I was telling the story and one of my girlfriends started laughing and said that she knew him. He worked at her surgery center on a rotating schedule. She said he was a little strange. Ya think? I asked her why she thought he didn't call me, and she said, she was pretty sure it was my nose ring (small diamond stud) and told me that he was conservative. Ahhh...makes sense now...I probably reminded him of his mother. Why can't men just be honest? All he had to do was e-mail me back and say that there wasn't a romantic connection...I would've said "ditto"... but I really did think we could've been friends. After all, I could've thrown him a baby shower.